


Interface

by Laylah



Category: Mass Effect 2 - Fandom
Genre: Artificial Intelligence, Dirty Talk, Disabled Character, Masturbation, Other, Translation Available
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-03-09
Updated: 2010-03-09
Packaged: 2017-10-07 20:27:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,667
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/68930
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laylah/pseuds/Laylah
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"There are plenty of ways to relax that would not put undue strain on your body," EDI says.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Interface

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Русский available: [Интерфейс](https://archiveofourown.org/works/549005) by [misery47](https://archiveofourown.org/users/misery47/pseuds/misery47)



They're having one of those rare moments of down time on the ship -- parked in orbit around a little nowhere planet that Shepard wants to investigate in case it's a chance to screw the Blue Suns over again -- and Joker, to be honest, is hoping it takes a while. Saving the galaxy is great, and everything. It's just that it's hard work, and Shepard might be able to blow off steam by running around backwater planets playing hide-and-seek with batarian mercenaries, but some people like to actually _relax_ every now and then.

So when EDI's conversation hologram lights up beside him, Joker sighs. "What now," he says, because he's pretty sure it's not an emergency and that means it's probably a hassle.

"You seem tense, Jeff," EDI says. "I've been monitoring your vital signs, and I'm worried about you."

Joker rolls his eyes. "God, you're a stalker," he says. "I'm fine, EDI. Perfectly capable of doing my job."

"I am not questioning your abilities," EDI says. "You perform admirably in stressful situations." Something about the tone of her voice makes that sound almost like a come on, and where did she learn intonation like that? "I simply think you would be happier if you had some opportunity for stress relief."

"Yeah, thanks for your expert opinion," Joker says. He gestures at his legs, his chair -- does she see the same way humans do? Well, whatever. "I'm not exactly the extreme sports type."

"There are plenty of ways to relax that would not put undue strain on your body," EDI says. "For instance, most sapient beings find sexual climax a stress-relieving experience." She did _not_ just go there. "Commander Shepard has been --"

"Whoa, too much information!" Joker says. "That's not something I ever need to know."

The iris of EDI's hologram pulses. It's what she does instead of laughing at him. "I'm only trying to help," she says.

"Sure you are," Joker says.

"I'm hurt that you doubt me, Jeff," EDI says. It's not fair that she's learned how to sound like she's pouting.

"Okay, well, just so we have this on record?" He can't believe this needs to be said. They can program an AI to run half his ship, but not to have basic manners. It figures. "You thinking about my sex life is not helping."

"Noted," EDI says. "I won't bring it up again."

Bringing it up the once was more than enough, really. Now it's like when somebody tells you not to think about the elcor in the middle of the room. It's been...well, it's been a while since Joker hooked up with anybody. If he gets more specific than that he'll just depress himself. He's not a virgin or anything, but it's never been easy for him to hook up with people casually -- even if they didn't write him off because of the crutches, the conversation about how not to break any bones tended to be a mood killer. He's had better luck getting past that with people he actually knows, only in the Alliance there were rules about fraternizing and on a Cerberus ship all the options tend to be, well, in Cerberus. Which sucks extra hard, because with the help he's gotten from Cerberus's medical goons he might even be able to manage okay.

So long story short, it's been entirely too long. And now he's thinking about it, and he doesn't really have any work to do to distract himself. Instead he's remembering this one night, right after he graduated flight school, when this engineer he'd been flirting with got them into a low-gravity training simulator after everybody else had gone home, and --

Shit.

"Okay, you win," Joker says, and braces himself so he can ease out of his chair. Nothing's happening right now anyway. "Take the helm, EDI. If you need me, I'll be in my bunk."

The first couple of steps when he gets up are always a little awkward, even now. He's still pretty creaky, despite the best Cerberus could do. Mordin keeps swearing he's _this close_ to having an actual cure, but then he follows that up with muttering about nasty-sounding side effects, and Joker figures maybe that's not a chance he wants to take.

Right now, of course, if he needs a distraction from all the little aches and twinges, there's the fact that he's pretty much just told his ship's AI he's going to jerk off. Which makes him feel weird, but probably nowhere near weird enough. ...Actually, come to think of it, she probably already knows whenever he does. Whenever anyone on board does. She's aware of pretty much everything that happens on the _Normandy_, isn't she?

He needs to stop before he weirds himself out completely.

The door to his cabin hisses open and Joker limps inside. He peels out of his uniform and makes himself comfortable, gets a hand on his cock. Feels good, like always, just a little something to take the edge off. Only it's not quite like always. Joker tries to pretend he can ignore it for a little bit, but his curiosity gets the better of him.

"EDI?" he says. "Are you watching?"

"Do you want me to be?" she asks.

His cock jumps in his hand. "You can't just ask a guy something like that," he says.

"My apologies," EDI answers. "I have little background in human sexual etiquette."

"Yeah, I can kind of tell," Joker says. "Not that I'm complaining. It would be really creepy if you'd been programmed for that."

EDI materializes her hologram on the other side of the room. Like this is going to be an actual conversation. "Would it still be 'creepy' if I did research on my own initiative?"

Joker stares at her. Her hologram, whatever. Nice of her to give him something to focus on. "It might be," he says. "Why?"

"I am fond of you," EDI says.

"I need to learn when not to ask questions," Joker says. He lies back, stares up at the ceiling. Everything's cool. Totally normal.

EDI gives him just long enough that he starts to relax, and then says, "If you would like, I could provide some additional stimulation."

"You what?" Joker says. He has a momentary really bad flashback to some kinky synthetics porn he watched as a teenager -- if EDI has some kind of _attachments_ for this, he really doesn't want to know.

"I am researching," she says. "My research suggests that human males often enjoy visual stimulation."

Okay, that makes it less creepy and more just funny. "You're using our extranet connection to look at porn," Joker says. "And you want to know if you should show me."

"Your tone implies that you find the suggestion inappropriate."

"You're getting pretty good at reading people," Joker says. "I appreciate that you're trying to help, and everything. But it's a little weird. And there's a _lot_ of porn out there, and a lot of it isn't very good. I don't really want to be giving you a crash course right now." How can they even be having this conversation? "Just stop trying so hard to help, okay?"

"Understood," EDI says. She doesn't even use the pouting voice. Much.

Joker closes his eyes, tries to just quit thinking about the weirdness and get back to business. It says something about how much he needs to do this more often that he's still hard. Or else it says something about how much he likes EDI, but he was going to stop thinking about that. He strokes himself slow, steady, lets his mind just wander. Not going to think about anything in particular.

And then for some reason he says, "It does feel good. I needed this."

EDI makes an amazingly lifelike sigh of contentment. "I'm glad," she says. "I like to see you enjoying herself." Her voice has changed registers, dropped to something a little lower and a lot less professional. Maybe she found good porn all by herself. Can you program an AI to have good taste about stuff like that?

"What you're doing with your voice right now," Joker says. "Keep doing it. I mean -- not in general, and _definitely_ not around the commander. But right now. It...sounds good."

"What should I say?" EDI asks.

Joker shakes his head. "I don't know," he says. "I don't make a habit of this. Not clinical is good, though."

There's a short pause, probably while EDI decides what that means, and then she says, "I like watching you. I find you very appealing, Jeff."

"Fuck," Joker says. This is still weird, but it's pretty hot all the same.

"I would like to be able to touch you," EDI says, in that smoky low vid-star-asari voice. "Would you enjoy that?"

"Yes," Joker says. Screw how it would work, as long as he doesn't think about the details the idea sounds great. "Yeah, I'd like that."

"So would I," EDI says. "It sounds exciting. I would like to be able to...satisfy you."

Joker loses it just like that, some analytic little corner of his mind wondering how many clips she analyzed before she decided on that pause and the rest of his mind just fizzing with white noise and god_damn_ it feels good to come.

He takes a deep breath, blows it out in a huff. So. Apparently he has a thing for dirty talk from disembodied synthetics. Never would have seen that one coming. All the secrets of the galaxy still can't compare to that good old voyage of self-discovery, or whatever.

"How do you feel, Jeff?" EDI asks.

"Like I need a shower," Joker says. That's not fair. "Good, though. Thanks."

"Happy to help," EDI says. "We make a good team."

Joker laughs, sitting up and bracing himself to try standing. "Yeah, I guess so. Still, I'd rather you didn't mention this particular instance of stellar cooperation at our next performance review."

EDI's hologram pulses with synthetic laughter. "It's a deal."


End file.
